O2.

and when you finally take one step back, look at things, and plunge straight into it again. you come back up, and as quickly as u were emerged in the idiocracy, that quick you begin to feel the tingling in your toes and the tip of your fingers, and u can take a deep breath and tell yourself that you're OK, because in a long time, you finally are.

when life

treats you like a little experiment to see when you will stop ticking and finally detonate. and when you're at the 00:07 seconds and James bond is supossed to come save u, but then he never shows up and u are at 00:06, which means your chances of being saved are over, adn u're finally screwed. about to explode with the many burdens placed on your shoulders and the information u have to understand. and slowly, u begin to deteriorate. so technically, the timer&bomb simply finish you. you yourself are already dying away slowly...

*sigh*

it's time to reanalyze what i've thought i could do. time to get rid of the great goals i had so easily planned out for myself. the things that i looked at what i thought would be the future and planned my life out based on the things i thought i'd be able to do. i guess things dont work out that way... i always thought i could do these things but i guess it's just too much. i guess those things are only possible for the people who are better, and i guess that doesnt exactly include me anymore. i need some inspiration, and i'm getting sick again, which, sadly, means i'm working myself up to my full potential.

chem honors summer is..

chemistry honors summer is...
memorizing the stupid periodic table and all the ions in one day at last minute notice.. summer school is honestly one of the best but worst things that the head school in this universe thought up for its students. a time to sign up for classes you need and doing so, killing yourself, going into suicide just so you can get the credit for the class, no matter if it's a good grade or not. a time to die and frustrate yourself so badly just so u can end up knowing that you cant do it well. i signed up for chem because i thought it would be better than taking a math class. no. it doesn't work that way. it's just like geometry i took last year. you dont understand something and when u finally take the extra time and effort to learn it, you're behind by a day.. - - how gay is taht. and then all the information that's been stuffed in yoru head starts to bundle up into this big THIng labeled: CHEMISTRY. and then your brain will eventually begin to add: SUCKS. I HATE IT I HATE IT HATE IT. i'm so exhausted it's not even funny. waterpolo afterschool with no nutrients in your system, studying during break, and then coming home after practice exhausted like hell and then having to memorize the stupid ions forward and backward, and then you get like six hours of sleep and then have to do it again. i just want to sleep. it's like... good, though because u can not understand a chapter, but u wouldnt have to deal with it for long. you take the test, and move on; time to worry about the next chapter, and the last chapter behind your back.. no turning back. ;; until the final, of course. shitt

give someone your time.

When you stay up until 4 in the morning just to make sure you his jacket is washed thoroughly & smelling half as good as when u borrowed it so his parents wont freak when it smells like smoke, then the next day you lug the heavy article of clothing to meet him and he sleeps in & says it's fine if you bring it next week. but yeah. what a waste of time. i could've just done it some other day. waste of time? it sucks when you spend time on someone and they throw it away. even when they don't know it, it still sucks. and then you look at yourself and wonder why you would spend so much stinking time on anyone. and then u remember: it's because he/she is your friend. (: Whether you've been life-long pals or simply acquaintances u shared a quick glance with at the supermarket, you connected for a reason. somehow, you will make a difference in his/her life. that must be the reason there are so many people in this world: so we can connect with each and every one of them. it is a great feeling to do something good for someone else, to go out of your way so someone can feel a little more special and to give someone something more than what you offer, to give someone your time. try it out and report back to me. trust me, you'll feel good.

beach

calm waters, beautiful sunsets, crashing waves, boogey boarding, washing up on the sand, dirty feet, sand in your bottoms, the salty lips, scratched up shades, beautiful wavy hair, what other great place to be than the beach? fun with friends, BBQ and bonfire. (: peace from within, laughter and fun-filled adventures. hot lifeguards. it's the full package! i remember last year was the first time i actually went in the water at the beach. and if you're going to let your WUSSiness take over and allow the ocean to scare you, you are MISSING OUT. i was scared of the ocean too until last summer when i was feeling adventure-filled and went wave riding with bianca and everyone. i am so serious it's not even funny. even if the oceans here are polluted and taste like crap. enjoy it before it's gone. the people of this world treat it so bad. :( our oceans are polluted, the sky is filled with smog. we watched this guy dump all his trash out his window and simply drive away without a care. :'( sure makes you wonder why we have global warming & shit, huh? -_- soon, the Philippines, Taiwan, Hawaii, all those islands are going to sink from the glaciers that are melting. and we sit here and do nothing about it, drive gas monster cars, buy factory produced items made from polluting factories, simply encouraging the economy and the factories to make more and more things, more and more smoke, more and more smog & complain that the earth is too small for everyone. - - tsk tsk. no wonder our kids & elderlies are dying from simply eating and breathing. :( and everyone is getting more and more corrupted. where did all the good people go?
kill me now.

all i know of love

"All I know of love is that love is all there is." -my fortune cookie on Facebook.
[yes, my fortune cookie inspired me to blog about it.]
when you truly love, it is your everything. I'm looking at this as an outside party, as a 3rd person point of view, but i think... if you're going to truly love, it's worth every second of your life, every ounce of your body, every piece of your heart, every last drop of pride, every breath of air you take, every second of your attention, every cent in your pocket, your everything. and that is all there is. what a great quote. you could understand nothing about love, how it works or why it happens, but love is everything. it will take up your everything.
and then, ask yourself -how could u love someone and know the true meaning of love and experience it fully if u hate something else?- think about it.
kinda like having a baby. takes up your whole life. but then, having a cute, innocent little child kinda reminds you how crappy the world really is. ya think? kinda sucks. but know... there's also the reminder of how great things can be. (: be optimistic. optimism. why be sad (pessimistic) when you can smile (optimistic)? i don't know... do you?

i'm out to change the world.

little boys & rag dolls

little boys who steal little girls' hearts and tear it apart like a rag doll. they should all gather together so we can catch them in a net and send them off into the ocean and never be allowed back on shore. it amazes me how badly we girls allow guys to treat us sometimes. they control the thoughts that run through our heads, the time we spend and what we spend it on. and these guys somehow always manage to break our hearts, hurt us, and permanently scar us to "never let it happen again." but then it happens again. - -; and again and again. and after enough 'agains', you simply give up. my perfect man will be someone who will be able to control my everything, but he wont do it because he loves me and will not hurt me or break my heart. he will never let me do anything that'll hurt me and he'll go out of his way to make me feel special. someone who will come over when i'm sick and bake me brownies and make me chicken noodle soup. ..even if it's from a can. someone who will drive me all the way down to LA just to eat at that one ice cream sandwich place. who will give me his jacket and let me keep it so i can sleep in it when he's not there. someone who i can feel independent yet dependent at the same time. someone who will take me to six flags and ride all the rides with me, who will take me to all the dances and slow dance with me whenever we feel like it. (: someone i can love and call mine. he wont be a little boy who tears out my little doll heart and throw it around like a rag doll.

heartbreak

hurts. even if it was a funny, laugh-about-it, eat marshmallow puffs thing. u know, those things that you flirt around but you don't exactly think about having anything with the other, and it's like.. u could never see yourself with him, but it's a secret fantasy you joke around with. but somewhere in your heart, you gave him a place, and a little piece of yourself has been torn out of you without your permission. that little bit that you can get away to. the loss is not enough for you to cry about or get crazy drunk and mourn over, but it's just enough for you to feel it. that little gasp of air is the little breath you'll have the moment you find out. and then you let out that little gasp, speechless and out of breath. and when you finally gather enough of yourself to breathe the minimal amount, you recollect yourself and slowly begin to get over it. not completely, these things are never completely. i believe, if a little part of your heart has been torn out, it'll never be replaced or mended. unless you find a way to stick your hand down your throat and stitch yourself up without giving yourself a scar. haha jk. (: even if you do get it back, it'll be a little more rotten, a little worse than what you "could've" had or a little worse than what it should be. so you simply cover up the wound, let it out and tell a friend, listen to a happy song, dance in your underwear, smile, and tell yourself there's more to come... goodbye, my secret fantasy.

"I'm cursed with loving you, baby"- keisha kornbread's blogspot.

so i love this song...
WAY BACK INTO LOVE
Music and Lyrics.
(the link is to the myspace so you can hear it if you haven't watched the movie or you simply want to re-listen to it.kuz it's cute..)

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

polo time.

i'm off to polo. but i am afraid. fear of pain. what's that called? " Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)" courtesy of phobialist.com. (:
and polo isn't even one of those get-stabbed pains, or a papercut pain, but it is a physical endurance, muscles breaking down, for me, it's a fear of giving up and the fear of knowing I cant do it. The fear that someone else can be so strong and do it so easily but i have to struggle and work so hard at it. and then the fear of not being able to do it anyway.the fear of weakness. is there a phobia for that? i will search it up... nope. sorry. but i will call it... weaknessaphobia.
anwyay, i'm at michelle's house. and she finally got out of the bathroom, so i'm going to go bathtub now. adios, my friends!

ily?

i wonder if people use "ily" as an acronym for "i love you" because an "i love you" is simply too much. if you really love me, don't say "ily." if you really love me, say you do. say you love me. sometimes there's so much shit thrown around i wonder why the fuck language like that is like that.
the french protect their language. they don't allow AMERICAN words mixed up or German or other words mixed up in there.
the Americans don't protect or filter their language because it comes from other languages. if we were to purify it, there'd only be slang. beautiful. - -
why cant people be sincerely sincere speaking to other people? tell me what you really mean. make your language precious to me. help me want and treasure each word you say to me. don't be a fake ass.

boredom

boredom.
true boredom. what to do... what to do...
boredom is:
bore·dom /ˈbɔrdəm, ˈboʊr-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bawr-duhm, bohr-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun the state of being bored; tedium; ennui (courtesy of DICTIONARY.COM)
- -.psh. i think... boredom is not the lack of anything to do because there's always something to do like washing the dishes, taking the dog out for a walk, go back to sleep, but not wanting to do it and having nothing better or "fun" to do. make fun? let's. c'mon let's make some fun. someone take me out.
and I've noticed... i have never been on a "storybook date." ...i hope someone takes me on one. i know it's corny and stupid, but every girl likes corny sometimes, right?
"i like corny. I'm looking for corny."-iris, The Holiday;;
i actually hope that the first real date i go on is actually "the one"
and i want to go to six flags again. that was the highlight so far, and technically, last Saturday wasn't even summer break yet. it was simply a weekend.
i hope someone cares enough about my boredom to save me from it...

mmm

it is the eleventh of June, year two thousand and seven.
the first hour of summer has past by
and i have spent it on the computer;; on the internet, and on myspace, facebook, and whatnot.
and a series of links have led me to my blogspot! where i have not yet found the energy to blog in.
however, i felt inspired [by gunny's blog] so i feel as if i should type my innermost random thoughts and feelings with a sticky keyboard that my mom jacked from my computer to bring downstairs since she spilled nail polish remover all over hers.
i watched "BLOOD & CHOCOLATE" today on a blockbuster with sally.
on Saturday, we [Kathleen, Michelle, Cheryl, i] went to sixflags. fun stuff.
and being broke at six flags is not the most exciting thing ever.
i added a "married in friendship to Cheryl" ring to my ring collection.


and i have been thinking....
u love whatever it is u want to love you back. whatever it is that may bind you to that belief of "love" however is not, for it is only a want, of that that could not be this love therefore your love is perhaps not a love at all, but a want for a love that could perhaps not even be. then what is this "love?" shall i even speak of this love that i know not of? if my whole perception of this love is simply a love of a want, then where shall i find this love? shall it find me? if another doesn't have this love either, how could it find me, if under the same circumstance, i cannot find it? could it find me if it already knows the love it is searching with? can you truly love more than once? how could you love 110% twice? what is this mysterious action/being/description that i find myself to be so curious of?
i have yet to encounter "that love," but i have experienced "THE love," and that is the love of God. call me crazy