Tuesday, December 21, 2010

First time "visiting" home

i apologize for the lack of updates since i've been home. I wouldn't exactly blame it on being too busy... I simply haven't been able to organize my thoughts fast enough as I've been meeting up with so many old friends and reconnecting with past relationships, and it really sucks the energy out of me. However, it kind of energizes me at the same time. Huh...

In some ways, it's as if everything is just the same... In some ways, it's as if I never left...
BUt in so many ways, things are different. Things are ever-changing - nothing truly remains static. ANd i suppose it may have something to do with the whole "Everyone changes in college." Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I that have changed MY perspective on things, thus viewing others differently. DOn't get me wrong, it's been really great getting to see everyone again, and hearing everything they're learning, everything they're experiencing and all the great influences they're meeting. There is just something else that contributes to the fact that this isn't quite the way I thought coming home would feel like.

What really irks me is that it feels as if i'm merely "visiting" home, instead of "coming" home. Not only does the element of time contribute to this feeling of momentary passing, it definitely has much to do with the fact that being away, physically leaving all my past habits, baggage, limiting self-image behind, has urged me to gain this fantastic, new perspective on people and life through God. Being isolated from everything that was familiar and easy to me made me dependent on the only static thing in my life - God. From faith came the ability to love wholeheartedly, without conditions, without judgment.

There has been a lot that I've been learning in this college setting, in this new culture, new environment, and new pool of people. I've been blessed to meet plenty of great personalities and positive influences. Of course, meeting those who are less of the role models I would like to be have also been a blessing as well. I know when I see the bad in others, I should look at "the [wo]man in the mirror" and instead of judging others' hearts, see how I can purify my heart as someone who has been saved and "knows better."

Truly, I cannot even begin to list all the imperfections, faults I've discovered in myself, in the ugliness of my heart.

SO perhaps this feeling comes from the fact that I have subconsciously associated Texas with my new, enlightened point of view, and thus see that as my "home," as the place where I like myself best. That is the location where some of the most emotional times of my life have occured. Consequently, it is in the same location where I "healed," thus contributing to the association of that location [whoa that rhymed] with my "new self." Kind of cowardly, definitely easier, somewhat sadly, but true.
Surely, I do not believe this is the best way to go about it all... I know that I should strive to behave the same way no matter the physical PLACE and the exact people I am with because it isn't the people around me that shape me, it's what's inside me that shapes me.

"do you always talk in bumper stickers?" -Liz, Eat Pray Love

SO I'm working on it. IT's just a good reminder to myself, that's all. IT's also a little insight into what's been on my heart.

I realize that I am very young, and that I still have a lot to learn, a lot to work on, and that will never change. However, I HAVE learned a lot since I've been a little seedling, and my greatest hope is to be a positive friend and influence in the lives of all those around me.

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