Thursday, July 10, 2008
today the "journal" question in Dutton was:
what kind of stereotype do others make about you? what do you wish others knew about you that they dont know? what might make them think a certain way about you?
(or something like that)
and Mrs. Dutton asked me what i thought, whether I had any stereotypes that dont fit me or that i don't like, and i thought about it. for a long time. then i finally realized (and told her, of course) about how i hate it when people look at me as a certain way. or even of anything i've done in the past. i hate it when people look at me and say "she's asian. must be smart. couldn't have anything to do with me." "she's a bitch." "she's a whore. she gets around. she's a big flirt." "she must be nothing too special." "she's so conservative." "she's so wild, tsk tsk"
and i feel discouraged as ever. i wish people would stop judging me. even my friends. like when they say "oh whatever, she'll just be with another guy by then," or "she's just doing her thing, flirting with another guy," and the worst, "it'll be over soon. i'll give her 2 months, tops." what they dont know is that i'm trying to change, trying so hard, and judging thoughts like that hurt. they are so discouraging and make me want to just give up and think that i dont have the strength and courage and willpower to change. in a way, it could be a "yeah i'll show them" feeling, but most times it doesn't come off as such a positive way, mostly because it's my closest friends telling me that. It would be different if some random person who didn't know me said that. whether it be in front of my face or behind my back. who gives an eff waht they say? But what hurts the most is that they're my closest friends. Your best friends are the people who hold your heart, people you've trusted to take care of your heart, your feelings. And sometimes, i guess when they forget or are careless, it hurts the most. What they think is what's most important to me (next to God, which is kind of the only Guy pulling me through), and it's just really discouraging to me while i am trying to change my heart, God so help me.
And i think... that getting your heart broken by a boy or a "lover" is nothing compared to getting your heart broken slowly by your friends and your truly loved ones, the ones you really will love no matter what. I feel like my love and trust has been betrayed, although i know almost certainly they dont mean it, and dont know what they really are doing.
So i just wanna warn all y'all here to please be careful with the hearts that your friends have handed to you. Please be their lighthouse, their encouragement, their rock and strength instead of their discouragement. Because it hurts the most. Every little thing you may say might go a long way, so make it a good word.
someone wrote today in their journal (who will remain anonymous, of course) today that i snuck a peek at as i was recording his 5/5 grade for the assignment into the chart. He was a football player, and looked as if he was a guy who would charm lots of girls and date girls or whatever. (even if he was a year younger) he wrote that people think he's a player, and that he gets around. He said that he's a long-term relationship guy, that he really would like to have a good, long-term relationship with a girl, and that he "doesn't even like to play girls." i support you, man. i believe in you, even if we've barely talked in our lives, and totally respect you and whatever decisions you make. i trust that whatever choice you make you must really believe it is the best.
someone else wrote that he knows a lot about forensic science :) this one especially intrigued me. i really liked this one. ...i know a lot of strange facts. that's my thing. and a lot of people dont know that about me, i guess. i didnt even know until someone told me. but yeah... i just happen to know lots of random facts.