you

drive me crazy. You give me mixed signals, make me try harder than I've ever tried for anyone who doesn't deserve one second of it, and you make me want to stab myself in the heart because of the anxiety you cause. and I'm not just saying this for a feeling I feel for a couple weeks/months, I'm talking years. It's you. Not what you do, it's just you. I know it's cliche, but every time I hear a love song, every time I watch a happy movie or see an old couple, I wish you were there so I could smile with you. I think of you and how it'll never be. I seriously cannot even look at my parents without feeling that small pain at the bottom of my heart. I wish you could be the one reading this blog, wishing it was you, but it isn't. I'm happy around you and you make me feel like flying, but you're never there, and it's as if when you are there it cancels out every evil thing you've ever done or will do to me. Whenever I hear that little AIM jingle, that ring tone, or that little text vibrate, see the "New Message" or even "new comment" sign, my heart jumps a little and I smile as if it could be you, but it never is. Then life is just 100 times worse that it should be. You make me act desperate and you make me feel like anything but myself. When i think of you, it makes me want to die. You treat me like a rag doll, insensitive to my feelings, yet i couldn't get enough of you. I'm also so extremely nervous and embarrassed whenever i talk to you but you would never know (that's why you wont be reading this) (...even if you did, i don't think you'd care..)because of the fact that you don't know me at all but i have fallen so utterly, bitterly, desperately hard for you and it doesn't even matter because you'll never know. And I'm not looking for a booty call or just a thing. As of me, I seriously wouldn't mind it if you were there for the rest of my life. It sounds so horrifying, desperate, disgusting, twisted, sick.. (I'm running out of words to describe it). It's so bad that I don't even care what people think of me or may or may not do with me when they read this or see my state of mind. I don't know if you know what you do to me, but if you do, I don't know if you care. At all. It burns inside. You're killing me ..hard, and a girl should not EVER feel the way you make me feel. Perhaps I just have really bad timing. Or perhaps you're trying to say something. It'd be easier if you could tell me straightforward ...if only you knew.



"Almost Lover"
A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do